I take a big breath and begin to type… this last few weeks have been pretty horrible. Christmas and New Year were somewhat tainted by the loss of a close family member followed by an influx of memories I would rather forget and a huge existential crisis. Apart from the break I had working on the ships, the last couple of years have been fraught with bad luck.

This bad luck; loss, bad health, low income and whatever else, has had a huge impact on my studies as well as everyday life. Over Christmas I barely slept – trying to come to the right decision as to whether I could continue with my course. The culmination of everything, along with my Unit 2 results made me feel like continuing would be pointless, as the final outcome would not reflect my true ability. I started feeling like it had all been a waste of time, like I wish I could start afresh.

My feedback from Jonathan and my peers came as no surprise; I am well aware of how much I have lost my way and unsure of my direction. I was however, inspired by some of the things Jonathan mentioned in my feedback, such as focussing on the cyanotypes and/or doing some of the work in the outdoors. Unfortunately, my mind became so consumed by my uncertainty, that I found myself in a horrible state of paralysis.

Throughout December and into January, I barely slept. Tossing and turning over whether to just take the PG Dip and run, whether to do my PhD at all, I had absolutely no idea. Monday I would wake ready to email and leave the course, but by the afternoon I was ready to crack on and finish the course. Tuesday I wanted to leave. Wednesday I would work out a way to carry on. Thursday I’d quit. And so on.

I spoke with friends, family and anyone who would listen, trying to find the answer.

In the meantime, I was creating nothing. Sometimes, I would sit in my apartment for hours on end, feeling more and more depressed.

Having ADHD and autism just exacerbates problems like this. The state of paralysis leaves me with the inability to think straight or function at all and this recent period has probably been the longest and most painful I’ve ever experienced. I have great idea and intention, but I can’t bring myself to put any of it into action. It’s one of the most frustrating things to experience. And I’m exhausted.

Anyway, you may be wondering what the outcome was… increased antidepressants, a referral to (a seven month wait) talking therapies and physio for my fucked up knees, along with a referral back to my orthopaedic surgeon. Yay.

But, with the help of UAL and family and friends, I have decided to battle through and complete my MA. I also messaged Tom from the course and asked him to remove me from the email list – everytime I got a notification of someones new blog post, I was filled with guilt and deflation, hopefully not having this might help.

On the plus side, I tried to go into the New Year with positivity and decided to throw myself into a few things, one of them being the local amateur theatre group and after a great audition, I have been offered a part in a play at the Lancaster Grand, which is unfortunately due to air the same week as the low res in London. I’m gutted I can’t be there again, but simultaneously looking forward to taking part in the play. I auditioned last year but wasn’t successful but always wanted to try.

I also have an interview on Monday for a teaching job at Warrington College – hopefully these things will help bring the spark back.